OhJayze.

apologies.

straight out apologies. to everyone. im a dick. but also. get the fuck over it. dont fuck with me. legit.

lately everything is just. idk. altering. changing. evolution is at its peek. my life. sweet and sour. I am starting to let go of old things and just be…okay. I’m done playing nice; better yet, I’m done just trying to impress anyone. People will like me, for me…right? I mean, I know I am not the best thing. At all. However, I do possess some descent policies.

Im crazy crazy crazy about somebody. Like…crazy. Beyonce and me even rewrote a remix to crazy in love, but not in love just crazy about is what its called. It’s more of a pre-song to crazy in love. =]. I DONT KNOOOW. RAH.

Alex is a no go. And I am glad. Fucker forgot my birthday. and he just used me for Lily Allen tickets, so I taught him I don’t get used. I was fine with him. and he sent a very, very hurtful text message basically telling me I was a horrible person. So, and yes I know this is childish, I gave the tickets away and led alex to believe I still had them. It sort of sucks cause I had to loose a good friend in Hannah, and she is seriously one of the nicest people I know. and very genuine. Anyways. so he then decides to fuckin come to my house today and yell at me and all this bullshit, so I was like fuck this. And led him on again, but then he followed me to lincoln mall and chased me. However, he got reallly really mad and came back to my house, even though i wasnt home. And he told my mom everything. Whatever. Im seriously over him and his asshole never going to amount to anything bastard self.

Katie and I are patched. and I am enjoying her back in my life. I missed her. A lot. But nick. Like. NO. I am so sick of him and its always him him him him him. I DK.  Ha. Shes funny tho.

John Tash, my art teacher. Who was adorable. Like. Hot. and very nice and idk. Ha. Anyways. He passed away. And idk. I barely knew him, yet it feels lame. I feel…like he still had an impact on me. I always was fasinated with his way of thinking, his art, everything like that. He was very talented and he meant a LOT to Katie. I was upset to see her like that. Idk. His funeral was awkward sort of. Idk.

GRACE! Adorable. Best. Best. Best. Rahtohl Rahtohl. Ha. =}. She is my bestfran. I love her boobsch and her nicsh facesh.

Kira. I wanna frolic more often. boo. biff. always. my go to, have long personal talks. my favorite person possibly. =].

My birthday was recenly. YAY. I got my lip pierced and a tattoo. RAHH.=]]].

so.

Duet.

Boy:

Come on and just drop your gaurd.

The stars are all screaming your name

But more than this rude bombard.

I have come to try and claim.

A slot in your heart;

Your mainstream life.

And oh those eyes.

You might as well take a knife,

If I can’t have you.

hey girl.

Chorus:(just boy singing)

You’re the moon my world revolves.

The mystery I urge to solve.

You’re that song on replay.

Or that beat that I can’t get out of my head.

So take my hand — lets get away.

Girl:

And now that I’m caught off gaurd

I’ll let loose a deeper side of me

Suddenly I don’t feel so tired.

And I can finally breath.

But woah, you could be that guy

With all the right words

For my broken heart and shattered mind

So boy, Oh boy

Set your watch

Cause I can’t tell,

But we’ll gve it time.

Chorus(just girl singing)

Boy:

See the way I feel is a first for me.

I got that rush rush feeling and im week at the knees.

From your nice, warm smile.

To your smooth, soft skin.

<STUCKKKK>

Girl:

Everytime you touch me

My heart shoots off

With a jump start kick

And a nervous cough

I can suddenly fly

In this moment forever,

a  perfect knot

our lives will tie.

Boy:

Cause the way you look.

With those brilliant eyes.

And with ever hour.

I grow fonder.

Of your clever wording,

And modern style

You spice up my life girl

Ive gone to fire

From Mil’(mild)

Girl:

When this night is over

And our paths depart

Just know at least for awhile

You’ll hold my heart.

Baby, oh baby when your hands in mine

My words escape me

Yet couldnt begin to describe

The way I feel,

And my thoughts seem lost

I’ll be there whenever,

No matter the cost.

Chorus(Both)

Take my hand —

— Let’s run away…

END.

Sing me something soft, sad, and delicate…

I strive for something. Something more then whatever this is that I am living. I think I am more then this town, more then this small pathetic excuse for a state. My future will consist of someone prominant. Someone mature and able to keep up with the fast paced life that consumes us all. Everyone currently surrounding me is too caught up in themselves to help me or even acknowledge whats wrong.

To be completely honest. I have no clue whats wrong. Me personally.I feel empty. And I want to help everyone else around me and I always go after the wrong thing, even when someone or something good is there. I go for the people who don’t stick around. I hang out with people to get me through the day, but I feel no connection. Like I don’t fit in with them, or anything that comes along with them. I push off that I am happy and I only fill people in half way. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I am always second guessing. I cant come to terms with anything and I am confused always. I just dont understand anything around me.

I want someone. Someone who I can tell everything to. Someone who will be my best friend, lover, and someone who I can just sit home with and laugh. I want somoene to like me for my flaws and someone to help me get back on track.

Katie was all I knew. and now I have to actually figure out who I am. I know who I am and shit, just more in depth I guess.

I want my friends back, I want new friends. And I want to get away.

Idk. Just some food for thought.

Rah.

the water seemed so calm.

last night i fell asleep really early. and I didnt wake up until just a few minutes ago. today feels promising. And I am excited to persue it. I plan on doin do. I hope everything stays on the up side. Rahhh.

and the distance took you away…

I honestly idk. everything with everyone has gotten fucked…like legit.

Jamie. — Well hmm. wtf. idk. I feel like im just whatever. seriously. Like I feel like im just whenever he feels like. Like no. Im a person. I have feelings. Idk. Idk what to do either. Like. I like him. Buttt. Oh nooo. Yet again you were just something till something else comes along better. and now hes all Nate nate nate<333. Like. no. ugh. idk. i cant just be just chasing after something for no reason if its never going to expand. Its just not my thing. What am I? I have no fucking clue. But Im not a toy and I am not someone who just sits on the side lines while you hook up with other people. No. ha. No. So. Idk anymore. Idk what to do.

Alex. — FUCK. Seriously. You are such a fucking asshole. Really. Idk. I try to be there all the time, but I can never amount to anything but a once a month person to you. Your scared to surface who you really are cause you feel like you fail at everything and its all in your head. so snap the fuck out of it. I like you. I stopped making it awkward. Your the only one holding on to that. Im over you anyways. And last night was our first legit fight. but you took it way out of fucking context and it was so rediculous. grace even said you read into it wrong jesus….rahh.

Katie. — Shes just being rediculous. She hates me for stupid reasons. Really stupid reasons. And we were meeting to talk about why we were mad at eachother and we were going to try and resolve the issues. So I asked her to lunch on the weekend. and she says yeah sure and we plan for sunday. Then things change, but its a typical Katie thing for that to happen. Anyway. So, then we say 730. So she usually stays out and runs late so I was waiting to hear from her before I went to her house. Then She texts me saying, “oh..?” and I was like ughm I was waiting for you to text me to say when to come. And she says i should have known. fuck you your a bad friends dont bother with me blah blah blah. and I was like I wasnt just going to drive to your house if you werent there and whatever. idk. Its just stupid. Get over it. Get over yourself. And grow the fuck up. Please.

GrAcE.<3. — AHHHH. Grace=]. She is my new best friend. I love her. She is wicked funny. and warm and full of energy and squirrells talk to her. She honestly means the world to me. Im glad we found eachother again. AHhh=].

K.D. — =]. Rah. [= —

School is lame. I hate being there. So fucking much. idk.

I think I am losing my house or some shit. Idk.

And I feel low all the time. Empty and useless. Like so many people dont want me around. And its true. And the people I strive to be with dont care that Im even around. and its like lame. I had everything. And then it was all gone. Thats what you get. Ha. Idk. But really. Im happy. I guess. Im more. Just. Mellow. And Whatever. But Its sort of good. Idk. Eh.

I just need to get away.

april vacation should save me.

(*-*)

lunchtime.

its lunchtime. so I have free time, what, what?

yesterday I just sat at home. all day. I didnt do a thing. and I just slept. idk. the more i think about my life the more i feel like i failed at it. and im still so young. and i miss my friends. i wish i had more motivation, but when i do i feel like im begging people to hang out more than they asking to chill. idk. ha i say idk a lot too.

Jamie. idk. He wants space. So i am going to give it to him. if he wants to see me. he will. but i always feel like im the one trying to make contact. maybe he likes the chase. but like idk. it jjust sucks. i really like him. and i know the outcome. like most, friendship will resort. idk. im like single-prone. I always have a problem, and i do soemthing to fuck up everything. ha. idk.

so yeah he texted me and was all you can go get your glasses..im not home but go ahead. LIKE NO?!. what. no. i want to see you. and if he wanted to see me he would of waited. i chose not to respond, and got nothing even till now. i just feel like if i text i come on desperate.

Alex said he would chill againnn. YAY.

Katie, still oainsugionbg. HOWEVER. she printed a picture of me today. Im pumped. Idk. I miss her. but im not a thridwheel. She knows that. so. idk.

My mom was doing good. She’s been drinking, and drunk the whole time for 4 days now. A little bit rediculous. I feel like my attempts to help her are a waste of time. I blow off my friends to take her to places, and Ive lost three friendships for it cause i dont tell people why i didnt answer or i say i was laying in bed to spare them from the drama that consumes my life.

I hate it. If i tell something to someone, like it will take me a bit to do it, and my friends say that they would like to hear whatt i gotta say. but then everything gets thrown in my face or all this bull…idk.

i feel like im starting to not fit in anywhere. like at all. and like im so confused on myself as a person, along with the shit around me. and why people are how they are. like idk.

after class. idk what im doing. RAHHH. Jamie maybe. Its thursday, so that means skins tonighghght. Idk what im doing. Prolly another lame day. Cait later maybeee.=]]

Initial Contact.

Rahhhh. Sooo. I might have, mayyybe stolen this from Jamie. However. I didn’t know about it until seeing his. and I HATE livejournal. And this seemed legit. Chyeaaa. Alright. So. Hmm. My life. My first entry. ha. well I guess I’ll ramble about my boring life, this way i don’t annoy other people, and on and on. Blah. Anyways. Ha.

I am going to be the guy who sections things off. Ha. But just this time. ha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends—

Alright, well for starters, I have been going through a lot lately, and that results in losing friends. Well idk. I guess. Idk. Anyways…start off with:

Katie.

Well. Katie and I have been best friends for awhile now. I told her everything above everything. like. anything i would tell someone, but not everyone else. idk. ha. and we have always had our differences, but the worst is her new found love<3OMG!! NICKJAMESLANDRY«<333 Im a lame teenage girl who doesnt fucking know what love is yet. What four days of dating him, when before you said yes, you thought he was such a creep? HMMMMMMM. Fuck. uisgisbuvgu. and anyways, i was fine with him. Except he made out with her 99.7 percent of the time. and like wtf. dude. time and a place, but oh jeez. you disagree with him, and your “close minded” WTF does close minded even mean anyways. When I was younger I thought it was clothed minded. haha=]]. anyways back to Katie. Okay so then after that fallout with him, we leave my sisters party, at which they just made out the whole time. and they want food. we get there and all i have is a 20 and all he has is a 20. so i payed with his then said, i have to get a drink at the gas station and ill give you change. then he was all ohh my change is ten bucks thats it oh okay with a cocky attitude. like fuck. no. fuck you. i just fucking told you. like ughhh. then he didnt even fucking want the change. like wtfff. so i drop his ass off. then im bringing katie home. not only is she not talking to me and not listening to what im saying, she is texting him the whole time. okaayyy wtf. her ass gets dropped off.

the next day we had planned a just us day. because prior to that we had been with nick landry everyday or i hadnt seen her. so i was looking forward to it. i also was having a bum day and i wanted to just see her, not even talk about it, just see her cause it cheers me up rightttt. so she fuckin ignores me all day, doesnt answer, doesnt text, nothing. then accidently calls me when shes in the car getting a ride home from her dad. but no she was out with her mom and in bed all day,…ok…BULLLLL… so i told her i was mad and all this shit and it got to the fact that we are no longer friends…

I dont hate her, but i need space from her. im jealous…i guess…idk..

Alex.

Alex Camp…obfisbgpoibgnbvfgopivgfb. Obsession of my life. my other best friend. And I am the lame friend who has a thing for his best friend. Which fucks up our relationship, friend way, in a few ways. Now. I have my theory. I think Alex likes me liking him, cause everytime im losing interest, he does something to pull me in, and he knows he is doing it. Like the stuff isnt like how he does something, or well it is, but its actions you have like control and thought and shit, not everyday kinda deal. All I honestly want is at least to be really really good friends. but he is an intovert and i am extraverted, hence why we dont click all the time. i find him to be the most interesting person i know. and ill never not be there for him…and its not my slightly creepy amazement over him, its just he is the most geniuine, kind hearted person i know, he just likes to shield it, but its true. and i sound ubber gay saying that but idc….idk if ill ever have that close friendsship with him…he pushes me away…idk why either.

Maddy.SteveCarr.SteveNolan.Kira.andOthers.

We all were so close. and it sucks. cause you all left. all at once. and like i remain in contact and that like oh hey im in town friendship, but like….i want the old one back. idk. idk.

everyfriend.

I feel like im a problem, more then a friend. like people are getting annoyed and find me old news. everyone just seems to be leaving me at the same time. and i mean im used to not having people to rely on, but i just trust people too much. idk…like idk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Relationships—

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Hey. Jamie. Idk. I feel like Im just a time passer/filler. I feel like he cant commit to em and why he degraded our status because of his fuckin infactuation with “bestfrannnn” Tim. Now I dont know tim, nor do i know how they are together. and I always make assumptions and Im wrong a lot of the time. Idk. But ALLLLL Jamie likes to talk about is how Tim this, Tim that. and like I KNOW he like HAS to. Like you know when people say, rah rah rah I Would Never Like Such Ann Such Ever Again!, BUTT they really do and its obvious. Well, thats what I get from him. Like idk. and it sucks cause I like him a lot. Last night we like shared more then we have before. But Im scared if it remains on his just friends basis for a lot longer, then thats all it will be. idk.idfbg. Idk. Confussssssssssssssed.

Thats all for now, i gotta eat dinnnnuhhhhh